@shopkins776

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

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@fro_vo

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

@MelvinofYork

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

@BringDaNoyz

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

@justabloodygame

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

@theshamingofjay

Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?

@trojansauce

NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE’S LAWYER: your honour we’re gonna need a recess

@TheMichaelRock

After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.

@WilliamAder

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

@anerdonfire2

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.