You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
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i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
This is my emotional support knife.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Selfie
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am