@notmythirdrodeo

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

@FredTaming

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

@harriweinreb

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

@SaraMansford

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

@a_olivia4212

A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it

@TheHatStore

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

@rebrafsim

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: I was named after my grandfather.

Me: Of course you were, he was born first.