Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
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wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Coworker: I was named after my grandfather.
Me: Of course you were, he was born first.
“Are you ready to rock?”