@notmythirdrodeo

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

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@chilldadpalguy

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

@kelkulus

Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.

@junejuly12

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

@Phook75

No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower

@MaraWilson

Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”

@lordratsquirt

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

@torahhorse

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

@onion_an

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

@TheAndrewNadeau

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

@gumdropheaven

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH