You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

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name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture


Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.


Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.


No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower


Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”


Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.


imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you


[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies


PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.


I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-