Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
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I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.