Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
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My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Passwords are more important than ever.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.