You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
🤣😂
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..