@LindaInDisguise: You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
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@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ! Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu? Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: ... ʸᵉᵖ
@murrman5: [closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn't here *wife walks in with police officer* "did you take a knife to a job interview"
@jollyrobber: The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn't check before engaging the launch code.
@GFGander: How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face