You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
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My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
umm…
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.