@LindaInDisguise

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

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@Contwixt

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

@HousewifeOfHell

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

@alive_and_dying

One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.

@lincnotfound

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

@Browtweaten

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

@SammySkinns

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

@Boymachinist

My bad sir! I completely misunderstood the term “carjacking”.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

@Slim_is_Fat

(Watching Liar Liar)

Wife: If you couldn’t lie for 24 hrs, how much longer would we be married?

Me: Until the end of this movie.