I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
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Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
LOL!
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…