Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
You Might Also Like
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*