You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

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OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don’t know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll?

I’m so confused!!


I touch myself when I think of you
Oh! Wait It’s not what you’re thinking,
I mean I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.


[man having a stroke on an airplane]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh my god! Do we have a doctor on the plane?

DENTIST: I’m a dentist, I can try

FA: Please do, hurry!

DENTIST: *runs over and hurriedly flosses the man’s teeth* Don’t you die on me


Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.


Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.


King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try


[Lie detector]
“You claim you can move an object by saying just one word. Is this true?”
– Yes
*needle going nuts*
“I, sir, have been owned”


Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.