You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
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I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Breaking news:
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Cndnsd Mlk
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché