You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Breaking news:
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”