You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
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i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
The first matador
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.