Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
You Might Also Like
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.