My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
How to make infinite energy.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.