You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
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[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
This came to me in a dream.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying