@TheRolo

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

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@noogscorner

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

@iMikosnyc

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

@Adyaces

Doc: You need to lose some weight.

Me: How?

Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.

Me: Like pies and chips?

Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.

@Gupton68

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

@imteddybless

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

@Bob_Janke

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

@ruinedpicnic

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy
Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE

@StarvingHartist

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

@Brampersandon_

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good