Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.
– Why they wear masks
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Doc: You need to lose some weight.
Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.
Me: Like pies and chips?
Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy
Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good