The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
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[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”