You guys, we have to clean this up before Jesus gets back.

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Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?


Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?


Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}


If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.


Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.


Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.


Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday.

In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.


[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?


no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct