@ozzyunc
@TheDizzyBeauty
Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?
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@TheDizzyBeauty
@caliluvgirl77
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
@Darlainky
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
@Cheeseboy22
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
@PeachCoffin
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
@PinkCamoTO
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
@RowdyBowden
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
@moose_chocolate
Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday.
In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.
@ShortSleeveSuit
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
@relatabledad
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct