[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Cannot stop laughing at this
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[screaming into the void]
MARCO