Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Saw your ex at the shops
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.