You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
You Might Also Like
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”