@Shelts99

You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’

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@Aikiwomannc

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

@longwall26

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

@neiltyson

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

@jaibashman

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

@DothTheDoth

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

@dankmtl

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

@Xalqee

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

@Teeter_Totter

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.