Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
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Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves