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Mistakes married women make:

1. Assuming he heard you.

2. Assuming he understood you.

3. Assuming he’ll remember.

4. Marrying a man.


I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.


just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping


My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.


For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.


My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..


If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.


Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.


*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*

*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*

And that’s how they found out about maple syrup


[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs