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@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married women make:

1. Assuming he heard you.

2. Assuming he understood you.

3. Assuming he’ll remember.

4. Marrying a man.

@JohnLyonTweets

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

@DanMentos

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

@tracietom

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

@roxiqt

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

@Try2StopME

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

@prattprattpratt

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

@prodnose

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

@Mr_Kapowski

*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*

*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*

And that’s how they found out about maple syrup

@Ygrene

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs