You had me at “we’ve got the place surrounded”

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Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.


My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”


“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.


me: [punching in at work]

boss: you know Chad is eventually going to press charges


[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]


*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*


Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.


Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.


Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.