@briangaar

You had me at “we’ve got the place surrounded”

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@david8hughes

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

@MikeDrucker

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

@rickygervais

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

@sonictyrant

me: [punching in at work]

boss: you know Chad is eventually going to press charges

@KeetPotato

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

@collinwithtwoLs

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

@WryBry

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

@AllanForsyth

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.