life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
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Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article