You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
is this a warning or an offer?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?