You Had One Job!

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Whenever someone tells me they get a “high” from running, all I’m thinking is, “You’ve obviously never been high before.”


If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.


Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?


Hey movie villains – make a bomb where the wires are all one color.


Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts


I’m single with no kids.

I don’t answer to anyone.


Okay! I’m opening the can now!

Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!


Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.


A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”


INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes


(CPR class)

Wife to instructor: What if my knees start to hurt?

Me to instructor: See what I’m up against?