@_youhadonejob1

You Had One Job!

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@MourningGlory_

Whenever someone tells me they get a “high” from running, all I’m thinking is, “You’ve obviously never been high before.”

@swiftenhaal

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

@DamienFahey

Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?

@juliussharpe

Hey movie villains – make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

@weinerdog4life

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

@BourbonHabit

I’m single with no kids.

I don’t answer to anyone.

“Meow.”

Okay! I’m opening the can now!

Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!

@GianDoh

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

@audipenny

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

@chuuew

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

@Shot_Of_Cabo

(CPR class)

Wife to instructor: What if my knees start to hurt?

Me to instructor: See what I’m up against?