Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
You Might Also Like
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Wikigenius
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Risking my life for fun.