Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
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I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
new year update: losing everything but weight
These aliens are taking forever.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I forgot how to panic. Help
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.