@_youhadonejob1
@EndhooS
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
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@EndhooS
@LittleMissAngr1
I bought six pet carrots a couple weeks ago, and already four have died.
@Rollinintheseat
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
@CoachChelley
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
@DaddysinCharge
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
@Gupton68
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
@rockymomax
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
@Kyle_Raney
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
@RobTemple101
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
@KimMonte10
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”