@_youhadonejob1
@PaulGibson1963
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
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@PaulGibson1963
@XplodingUnicorn
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
@KarenKilgariff
you know what ruined my childhood? children
@sixfootcandy
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
@ojedge
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
@Brohamulet
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
@jamdugg
How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?
@ElayneBoosler
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
@daemonic3
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
@jonnysun
if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”