You had one job!

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Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No


I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”


How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?


Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.


Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.


I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees


Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP


Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.


Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”


“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”