@_youhadonejob1

You had one job!

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@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

@AlmightyBored

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

@Swishergirl24

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

@ChrisStokdyk

“This website requires Java”

*gets cup of coffee*

“This website requires Java”

*looks at coffee*

*throws coffee at monitor*

@DrunksWithGuns

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

@XplodingUnicorn

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

@InternetHippo

The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can’t use in the real world.

@murrman5

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

@Ideal_Victoria

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.