@_youhadonejob1
@sarcasticmommy4
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
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@sarcasticmommy4
@AlmightyBored
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
@Swishergirl24
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
@ChrisStokdyk
“This website requires Java”
*gets cup of coffee*
“This website requires Java”
*looks at coffee*
*throws coffee at monitor*
@DrunksWithGuns
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
@NeinQuarterly
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
@XplodingUnicorn
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
@InternetHippo
The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can’t use in the real world.
@murrman5
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
@Ideal_Victoria
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.