You had one job!

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I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.


My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.


Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?


“This website requires Java”

*gets cup of coffee*

“This website requires Java”

*looks at coffee*

*throws coffee at monitor*


If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.


[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?



Him: Which half?


The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can’t use in the real world.


ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”


I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.