wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome