You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
You Might Also Like
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.