“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
The answer is tired.
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Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I just Googled “cool new rare diseases.”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My dad called to ask if sending an email to the USA costs more. I told him a LOT more, better not risk it
Making my kids homemade blueberry muffins.
5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”
Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”
5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?