You Had One Job!

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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…


god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing


My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).


Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?


JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U


I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.


“Your name is Duck?”
It’s Doug.
“Yeah. Duck”
“Got it. Duck”
Go fuGG yourself
“Haha. Classic Duck”


If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents


Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!


SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin