@_youhadonejob1

You Had One Job!

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@coketruck76

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

@joci2203

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

@hunz74

I just Googled “cool new rare diseases.”

@Dana_Bruno

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

@click4amanda

My dad called to ask if sending an email to the USA costs more. I told him a LOT more, better not risk it

@Coops_Bradley

Making my kids homemade blueberry muffins.
*opens package*
*adds water*

@iinkedZombie

5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”

Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”

5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”

@ericsshadow

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

@Book_Krazy

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?