You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

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HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks


– I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
– And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.


At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.


I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.


Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist


“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car


me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it


[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me