You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
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If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
the composer
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.