When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
You hate it
“No I just didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary here”
“What was that?!”
The bouncy castle is deflating
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Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the first rule of Patronising Club, because you’re so smart, sweetie. *boops your nose
People who tweet in riddles need to know I’m not Batman.
what’s for dinner?
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
“I’m sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she’ll understand it’s just for fun.”
Said a bunch of now single guys.
The elderly almost never expect a leg sweep.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*