@NicestHippo

You hate it
“No I just didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary here”
*pssss*
“What was that?!”
The bouncy castle is deflating

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@Adar79Angie

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

@caitiedelaney

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

@MsSkarsgaard

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the first rule of Patronising Club, because you’re so smart, sweetie. *boops your nose

@twayne1010

People who tweet in riddles need to know I’m not Batman.

@ehdannyboy

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

@hobo_hands

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

@imence2

“I’m sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she’ll understand it’s just for fun.”

Said a bunch of now single guys.

@fro_vo

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on