Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Mmmm canned fish.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Secret hideout busted…馃悎馃惥馃槀馃槀
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they鈥檙e carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there鈥檚 a zombie apocalypse
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.