@NicestHippo

You hate it
“No I just didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary here”
*pssss*
“What was that?!”
The bouncy castle is deflating

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@TitaniumToplass

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

@bingowings14

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

@jjhartinger

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”TayTayJustine”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3464513650/8434f29ff782c7cf7b8a53156d6198f0_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”324575973150453761″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”62″;s:5:”tweet”;s:139:”Shouldn’t’ve left me alone w/your no-eyebrow-havin baby.

*Pulls out Sharpie*
*Squiggles on a surprised look*

See! She’s happy to see you.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@fro_vo

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

@Marlebean

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?