You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
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Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids