“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
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I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what