*wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke*
McDonald’s Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?
You have 3 meals a day?
Are you a millionaire or an inmate?
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Seriously, Twitter. Do NOT import my contacts.
The answer I didn’t know I was looking for
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
My circle of trust is a meatball
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it