I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
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Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
based al yankovic
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
#Caturday
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes