If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
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Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
🤣😂
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*