You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs