“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
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(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.