@tastefactory

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

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@Monathais

Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo…I can’t believe it’s working!

@DeadLioness

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

@UnFitz

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

@Mr_Kapowski

Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!

Me: I know. I was winning.

@FattMernandez

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

@angibangie

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

@SpacePlankton

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

@cmfh111

me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.