As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
There is wisdom there.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.