Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
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“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
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