You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
good morning
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”