You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

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Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.


[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present


People change.

Except for that homeless guy down the street. Pretty sure he’s had the same clothes on since the 90’s.


I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.


New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Volunteer work
3. Lie about 1 and 2


I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.


Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure


Not to brag, but all 6 of my previous therapists are having successful careers in different fields now


ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce


I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.