I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
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So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Autocorrect is my menesis
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.