Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
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ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
is this meant to deter me
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week