You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
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I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Sticker placement is key.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.