You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

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[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died


I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes


Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…


ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not


Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.


Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move


Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?

Because seriously……

one is murder.


It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.


My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?