You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
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If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Good day meowlady
* tips cat