ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
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Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
“what that mouth do?” complain
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”