You have been warned.
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Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.