You have been warned.
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Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
i love meeting boys on tinder
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle