You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger

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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because o-

GIRLFRIEND: Yeah sure whatever let’s go with that


Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut


I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.


Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.


You literally misuse the word “literally” every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.