@ThisLocalHater

You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger

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@Home_Halfway

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because o-

GIRLFRIEND: Yeah sure whatever let’s go with that

@ItsAndyRyan

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

@MarieColette

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

@GreenishDuck

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

@hazelmotes1

You literally misuse the word “literally” every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.