@vinnycrack

……… you have my attention

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@jellybnbonanza

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@haleysfalling

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

@Rachelnoise

They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.

@RayInOhio

Before you follow me looking to promote a product or service please know that I spend all my extra money on cheese.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

@omerwahaj

Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing?

Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.

@BigJDubz

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

@mjkspeaks

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.