……… you have my attention

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My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.


Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword


bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore


They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.


Before you follow me looking to promote a product or service please know that I spend all my extra money on cheese.


Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class


Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing?

Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.


Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not


I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.