Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
You Might Also Like
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.