didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
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A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU